Role of IT.



A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous
pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW 7 Series advanced
out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Bryony suit, Gucci shoes, Cartier
sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, 'If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd,
Will you give me a calf?'

Bud looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his HP notebook computer, connects
it to his Nokia N95 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his
location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the
area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and
exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany ..

Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image
has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL
database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his
Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-Tech
Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Bud.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the Bud says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
'Okay, why not?'

'You're an IT Consultant', says Bud.
'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required.' answered the cowboy. 'You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter
than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd
of sheep. . .'

''Now give me back my dog" :-)

English Can be FUN!!!



Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a London Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

Outside a London second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a London conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR, THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

People in other countries sometimes go out of their way to communicate with their English-speaking tourists. Here is a list of signs seen around the world : 

At a Budapest zoo: 
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.

Doctors office, Rome : 
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES. 

Hotel, Acapulco : 
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE. 

In a Nairobi restaurant: 
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE SHOULD WAIT AND SEE THE MANAGER. 

In a City restaurant: 
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, AND WEEKENDS TOO.

In a Calcutta Coffee House:
PEOPLE DISCARDING CIGARETTE STUBS IN CUPS WILL BE SERVED COFFEE IN ASH TRAYS

Sachin's Appraisal... Typical manager's review!.....



200 Runs/ 147Balls/ 25X4 / 3X6

  
Agree you have done GREAT BUT BUT BUT BUT


25 x 4s = 100
3 x 6s   =  18

IT implies that you have done 118 Runs in 28 Balls.

And 12 x 2s = 24
       58 x 1s = 58

IT means you have done all 200 Runs in only 98 balls

So you have wasted 147-98 = 49 balls

Considering only 1 run scored on each of these balls you could have earned 49 valuable RUNS FOR OUR TEAM

MANAGER’S COMMENT: So you only met the expectations and NOT EXCEEDING (though anyone of our team could not do it) and your Grade is C
                                      
Trainings for him: Learn from how to STEAL singles. ( you better know what I mean stealing single )

WeddingQuery. ...... ....... (SQL Style)



CREATE PROCEDURE MyMarriage
BrideGroom Male (25) ,
Bride Female(20) AS
BEGIN
SELECT Bride FROM   india_ Brides
WHERE FatherInLaw = 'Millionaire'   AND   Count(Car) > 20   AND
HouseStatus ='ThreeStoreyed'
AND BrideEduStatus IN (B.TECH ,BE ,Degree ,MCA ,MiBA) AND Having
Brothers= Null   AND Sisters =Null





SELECT Gold ,Cash,Car,BankBalan ce FROM FatherInLaw
UPDATE MyBankAccout SET MyBal = MyBal + FatherInLawBal
UPDATE MyLocker SET MyLockerContents = MyLockerContents + FatherInLawGold
INSERT INTO MyCarShed VALUES ('BMW')
END
GO





Then the wife writes the below query:



DROP HUSBAND;
Commit;

Wrong Number.....



        It was the day of my son's XII results and I was so tensed. I sat beside him while he logged on the website with his registration no. "Ma", he screamed in excitement, "I scored 1191, with centum in 4 subjects." I can't believe it. "I kind of became numb in my excitement. My eyes became wet. I kissed him on his forehead and smiled."

Soon we realized that he stood first in the state. Oh, my joy knew no bounds when Reporters and media persons soon swamped my house for interviews and photos. I was so honored to join him in the snaps.


I wanted to call my "wrong-number-friend" to tell him the news...... I was so excited. He was someone whom I have known for more than 20 years.


I still do not remember when we became friends, but certainly cannot forget the first day he called me When I blasted him for giving me so many wrong calls..... After that he had called up a week later asking apology, for he had now got the right no of his friend whom he wanted to talk to .We spoke for an hour that day...even without knowing each other's names. Though he kept pestering me to reveal my name I never did and so he kept a name...Sweety. I used to get so shy whenever he called me 'Sweety'. I was doing first year of BSc. Maths then, and he was a Computer Engineering student.


From then he used to call me very often. We almost discussed everything.


By the final year of my college, we probably we were in love, but I had been cautious. I was in a dilemma whether to tell him. But what if he was of a different religion? Do I have the courage to talk to my parents about it? ........all these questions ran through my mind.

I decided I'll not talk to him thereafter. When he called next time I laid to him I that I was going to Delhi for my post graduation. He gave me his office number and asked me to ring him up once I reach there. I never called.......


A couple of months later my marriage got fixed with a guy of my parent's choice. I was not happy but I did not complain; rather accepted it as an obedient daughter. At times I felt I missed my wrong- number- friend.......


My hubby was a moody person; I have hardly spent any good time with him- but he was genuine indeed and never bothered my personal space. After 2 years we had a boy...Yet, I was not very happy with my married life...One day I happened to browse through my diary and found I still had my old friend's office phone no that he had given me. I dialed it and spoke with him. He said he was married and got a kid too. I was happy for him though in the bottom of the heart I felt bad that I could not marry him.


From then I used to occasionally call him on that number. I never gave him mine as I felt that would put me in trouble... And till today I almost shared everything with him including my relationship with my hubby.....today I was so happy and I wanted to call him.


Just then I got a call. "Your husband met with an accident and died on the spot" 


I banged the phone down. I broke. I did not call my friend.....I somehow started feeling guilty. I have never tried to talk to him properly when he was alive or moved close with him.... I felt I had been a bad wife........


A couple of years passed and one day my son brought home a Bengali girl and said they wanted to get married. I got them married as I did not want my son to go through what I did.


I decided to give my son his father's room and started clearing it. There was a phone book. I gently opened it to find,




"Wrong no Sweety - 26579785"!!!!!


God always puts the right numbers together. It's us who interpret it wrong!!!!!


Women & Decision Making...



1. (Whatever)

Man: What should we have for dinner?
Woman: Whatever..
Man: Why dont we have Mexican?
Woman: No not Mexican, the last time i got pimples on my face
Man: Alright, why dont we have Sichuan cuisine
Woman: Yesterday we ate Sichuan, today too?
Man: Hmmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Woman: Seafood is not good here, I get diarrhoea
Man: Then what do you suggest?
Woman: Whatever..

2. (Anything)

Man: So what should we do now?
Woman: Anything
Man: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time
Woman: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time
Man: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Woman: Exercise on such a hot day?
Man: Then find a cafe' and have a drink
Woman: I am off caffeine
Man: Then what do you suggest?
Woman: Anything

3. (You decide)

Man: Then do we just go home?
Woman: You decide
Man: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you
Woman: The Bus is dirty and crowded.
Man: Ok we will take a cab
Woman: Not worth it... for such a short distance
Man: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Woman: I am hungry, can't walk.
Man: Then what do you suggest?
Woman: You decide
Man: Let's have dinner first
Woman: Whatever...
Man: Eat what?
Woman: Anything...



Call your wife with.....


A Person Went to his Neighbour,
Where an Old Couple Lives.

He Went Inside Where he Found that the Old Man still call her Wife with Cute Names like Sweety, Honey, Jasmine etc.


Man to the Old Man: It's sweet ... After 70 Years you still call your wife with such Cute Names.

The Old Man replied (Whispering):
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

 Her Name had Slipped off My Mind 10 Years Ago

&

I am Very Scared to Ask What It Is. :-)