Need a KISS???
One night a guy dropped his girlfriend at her home.
As they were about to wish each other good night at the front door, the
guy started feeling a little more romantic. With an air of confidence,
he leaned with his hand against the wall and smiling, he said to her
"Honey, would you give me a kiss ?"
Horrified, she replied, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
" Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
He asked grinning at her.
" No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on!
There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!".
" No way, it's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?".
" No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!".
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
" No, no. I just can't" " I'm begging you ... "
Suddenly.....Out of the blue, the light on the stairs went on, and
The girl's elder sister showed up in her pajamas, hair dishevelled, And
in a sleepy voice she said,
" Dad says to go ahead and give him a kiss, or I can do it. Or if
needed, mom says she can come down herself and do it, but for God's sake
.
.
.
.
"TELL HIM TO TAKE HIS HAND OFF THE DOOR BELL.........."
Chicken Story (mind blowing climax)
A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.
Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.
Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.
Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?
Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.
Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.
Young cock :
O.K. What kind of competition?
Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.
Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.
Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.
Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.
.
.
.
.
Suddenly, Bang! ...... Before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"
Copy & Paste...
A famous Inspirational Speaker Said :
'
'
'
'
'
'
"Best Years of my life were spent in the Arms of a WOMAN who was not My WIFE".
Audience was in Shock & Silence.
He added :
"SHE WAS MY MOTHER"
Applause & Laughter!
' '
' '
' '
' '
'
A Top celebrity tried to crack this at Home.
After a good 3-4 Drinks, he said loudly to his wife, in the kitchen :
" Best Years of my Life were spent in the arms of a Woman who was not my wife !
There was sudden silence !"
Standing for a Moment and trying hard to recall the 2nd Half of the sentence , he finally blurted out
'
'
''
" Forget it , I can't remember who She was ".
By the time he regained his Senses, He was on a Hospital Bed recovering from Burns of Boiling Water.
Moral :
'
'
''
DON'T COPY IF YOU CAN'T PASTE.
Not all rules can be followed!
A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.
"John," the new guy replied.
She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority.
I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.
I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed, "Darling............ My name is John Darling."
"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is .……… "
The Husbands
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.
The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'
The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'
' The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 22 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a short skirt. What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'
The first old guy says to the second guy, 'Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.'
The second old guy says, 'That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate.'
The first old guy says, 'Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?'
' The second old guy says, 'Well, she is 22 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing a short skirt. What does your wife look like?'
To which the first old guy says, 'Doesn't matter, let's look for yours.'
Love story of Engineering student
A sad love story of an Engineering student……….
A guy was deeply in love with his classmate.
One day he proposed her by saying that he loved her a lot….
But she was angry and refused and threatened him that she'd complain to the Principal if he ever bothers her again.
One day the girl borrowed a text book from that boy and wrote a message “I love you too, I'm sorry to hurt you the other day. if u've forgiven me, please come and talk to me and never leave me.” in that book.
But the guy never talked to her.
4 yrs went away and nothing has happened..
Moral of the story:
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A guy was deeply in love with his classmate.
One day he proposed her by saying that he loved her a lot….
But she was angry and refused and threatened him that she'd complain to the Principal if he ever bothers her again.
One day the girl borrowed a text book from that boy and wrote a message “I love you too, I'm sorry to hurt you the other day. if u've forgiven me, please come and talk to me and never leave me.” in that book.
But the guy never talked to her.
4 yrs went away and nothing has happened..
Moral of the story:
.*.******************
.*.******************
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.******************
.******************
.******************
.******************
.******************
.******************
.******************
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Engineering boys never open their books!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Domain knowledge
There was this family with one kid. One day the mother was out and dad was in charge of the kid, who just turned three.
Someone had given the kid a little 'tea set' as a birthday gift and it was one of his favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when kid brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea from father, kid's Mom came home.
Dad made her wait in the living room to watch the kid bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!'
Mom waited, and sure enough, the kid comes down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then she says to him, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'
....Mothers know!!
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Domain knowledge is very important!!! Else your supplier will trick you......
Best interview.......!!!
Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.
.
Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: I am Rameshwar Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.
.
Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it ..
What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly! in 12th. I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I cannot invest so much of money".(The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.
.
Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate : Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know, these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments. It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.
.
Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.
.
Interviewer: Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no... I am talking about Exams!!
.
Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when i flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative.
.
Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: he he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!
.
Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms!
.
Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.
.
Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!
.
Interviewer: Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate: Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.
.
Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times they are in pipeline!
.
Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.
.
Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like 'Showstoppers ' , 'hotfixes', 'SEI-CMM','quality','versioncontrol','deadlines' , 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!
.
Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest Wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe. But considering the fact that there is Olympics coming up in China in the current year, I don't mind going there in that period.
As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?
.
Interviewer: he he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. Welcome to INFOSYS.
. . .
.
The fellow was appointed in a newly created section 'Stress Management' in the HRD of Infosys !
Dont Lie to ur mother.......
INDIAN MOM- just can't beat her!!!!!!!!
A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner....who lives with a room
mate, a girl named Sunita.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how
pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than
met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You
don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said, "Well, I doubt it, but
I'll email her, just to be sure...."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my
house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney Jar. But the
fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.
Love, Kumar
Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read
Dear Son: I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not
saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if
she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by
now under the pillow...
Love, Mom.
Lesson of ur life : Don't Lie to Your Mother...... ........especially if
she is an Indian!
A Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner....who lives with a room
mate, a girl named Sunita.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how
pretty Kumar's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a
relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she
started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than
met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You
don't suppose she took it, do you?" Kumar said, "Well, I doubt it, but
I'll email her, just to be sure...."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my
house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney Jar. But the
fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for
dinner.
Love, Kumar
Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother which read
Dear Son: I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not
saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if
she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by
now under the pillow...
Love, Mom.
Lesson of ur life : Don't Lie to Your Mother...... ........especially if
she is an Indian!
The Art of Appraisal...
The Art of Appraisal
Big Boss: This year your performance was good, excellent and outstanding. So, your rating is "average".
Kumar: What? How come 'average'?
Big Boss: Because...err...uhh...you lack domain knowledge.
Kumar: But last year you said I am a domain expert and you put me in this project as a domain consultant.
Big Boss: Oh is it? Well, in that case, I think your domain knowledge has eroded this year.
Kumar: What???
Big Boss: Yes, I didn't see you sharing knowledge on Purchasing domain.
Kumar: Why would I? Because I am not in Purchasing, I am in Manufacturing.
Big Boss: This is what I don't like about you. You give excuse for everything.
Kumar: Huh? *Confused*
Big Boss: Next, you need to improve your communication skills.
Kumar: Like what? I am the one who trained the team on "Business Communication", you sat in the audience and took notes, you remember?
Big Boss: Oh is it? Errr...well..I mean, you need to improve your Social Pragmatic Affirmative Communication.
Kumar: Huh? What the hell is that? *Confused*
Big Boss: See! That's why you need to learn about it.
Kumar: *head spinning*
Big Boss: Next, you need to sharpen your recruiting skills. All the guys you recruited left within 2 months.
Kumar: Well, not my mistake. You told them you will sit beside them and review their code, and most resigned the next day itself. Couple of them even attempted suicide.
Big Boss:*stunned* (recovers from shock) Err...anyway, I tried to give you a better rating, but our Normalization process gave you only 'average'.
Kumar: Last year that process gave me 'excellent'. This year just 'average'? Why is this process pushing me up and down every year?
Big Boss: That's a complicated process. You don't want to hear.
Kumar: I'll try to understand. Go ahead.
Big Boss: Well, we gather in a large room, write down the names of sub-ordinates in bits of paper, and throw them up in the air. Whichever lands on the floor gets 'average', whichever lands on table gets 'good', whichever we manage to catch gets 'excellent' and whichever gets stuck to ceiling gets 'outstanding'.
Kumar: (eyes popping out) What? Ridiculous! So who gets 'poor' rating?
Big Boss: Those are the ones we forget to write down.
Kumar: What the hell! And how can paper bits stick to ceiling for 'outstanding'?
Big Boss: Oh no, now you have started questioning our 20 year old organizational process!
Kumar: *faints*
What is confidence??
What is Confidence
A hypothetical situation where 20 CEOs board an airplane and are told that the flight that they are about to take is the first-ever to feature Pilotless Technology: “It is an unmanned Aircraft.”
Each one of the CEOs is then told, privately, that their Company's Software is running the Aircraft's Automatic Pilot System.
Nineteen of the CEOs promptly leave the Aircraft, each offering a different type of excuse!!
One CEO alone remains on board the Jet, seeming very calm indeed....!
Asked why he is so Confident in this first unmanned flight, he replies: "If it is the same Software that's developed by my Company's IT systems department, this Plane won't even Take Off!!!"
That is called Confidence!!!
See what Software Engineer can do...!
There was a good old barber in a city. One day a florist goes to him
for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber
replies:
I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service.
Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
-
-
--
-
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a
"Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
-
-
--
A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he
again refuses to take the money.
The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop.
-
-
-
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another
"Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.
--
-
A MNC employee goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the
barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, guess what he finds there......
..
...
..
...
...
A Dozen MNC employees waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts
of Forwarded mail mentioning about free hair cut with the Google map showing the shop.
for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the barber and the barber
replies:
I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service.
Florist is happy and leaves the shop.
-
-
--
-
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a
"Thank You" Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door.
-
-
--
A Confectioner goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the barber he
again refuses to take the money.
The Confectioner is happy and leaves the shop.
-
-
-
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is another
"Thank you" Card and a dozen Cakes waiting at his door.
--
-
A MNC employee goes for a haircut and he also goes to pay the
barber again refuses the money saying that it was a community service.
The next morning when the Barber goes to open his
shop, guess what he finds there......
..
...
..
...
...
A Dozen MNC employees waiting for a free haircut... with Printouts
of Forwarded mail mentioning about free hair cut with the Google map showing the shop.
HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?
Put about 100 bricks in some Particular order in a closed Room with an Open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in
The room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back
After 6 hours and then analyze
The situation.
If they are counting the
Bricks.
Put them in the accounts
Department.
If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing.
If they have messed up the
Whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.
If they are arranging the
Bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.
If they are throwing the
Bricks at each other.
Put them in operations.
If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.
If they have broken the bricks
Into pieces.
Put them in information
Technology.
If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.
If they say they have tried
Different combinations, yet
Not a brick has
Been moved. Put them in sales.
If they have already left for
The day.
Put them in marketing.
If they are staring out of the
Window.
Put them on strategic
Planning.
And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each
Other and not a single brick
Has been
Moved.
Congratulate them and put them
In
Top management
Never Worry how many people Dislike you...
A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.. He kept increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept coming home before him.
At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
An hour later.... The man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife.
Frustrated the man said," Put that damn cat on the phone, I am lost and I need directions to reach home!!!
Moral:
"How much ever we dislike somebody, someday we will need their assistance. So never worry how many people dislike you ... "
"How much ever we dislike somebody, someday we will need their assistance. So never worry how many people dislike you ... "
Sardarjiiiiiiiiiiiii....
A Tamilian call up sardar and asks "Tamil therima??"
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
A sardar on an interview 4 da post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Sardar : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating. ......
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Sardar at bar in New York .
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married"
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
2 sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the
other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says
YES...NO...YES. ..NO...YES. ..NO...
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
A sardar for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the
exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with father
in the essay and>it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS,
SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE.. MY TRUE
FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Prince Charles & Sardarji were having dinner.
Prince said, "Pass the wine you divine".
Sardar thinks "how poetic"
Sardar says, "pass the custard you b@$!@7)".
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- -----
Amitab : In which state Cauvery flows?
Sardar : liquid state.....
Audience clapped.. Amitab stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDARS..... ..
-------- -------- ----------- ---------- ------------ ------------ -------- ------------ ---------- --------
Boss : am giving u job as a driver. STARTING salary Rs.2000/-, is it o.k
Sardar : U R great sir! Starting salary is o.k.......but??
how much is DRIVING salary...?
--------- ------------ ------------- ---------------- -------------- -------------- ------------
Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at
night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light
is not needed!!!
------------ ------------ ------------- -------------- ------------- ------------- ---------------
Sardar shouting 2 his girl friend ' u said v will do register marriage
and cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the post
office....
Can u write a java code like this?
Can u write a java code like this?
Java to Tamil...! Is it right???
Java:
public class Project
{
public static void main(String args[])
{
int a;
string b;
if(a==0)
{
b = "Zero";
}
else
{
b = "Non-Zero";
}
return;
}
}
Tamil:
Java to Tamil...! Is it right???
Java:
public class Project
{
public static void main(String args[])
{
int a;
string b;
if(a==0)
{
b = "Zero";
}
else
{
b = "Non-Zero";
}
return;
}
}
Tamil:
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